daze of the weak

In college, I got the stomach flu so bad, I fainted. I've fainted maybe 12 or 15 times in my life.

The first time I passed out, I was a kid--6 or 7. My ears had been pierced weeks earlier, and we were putting in new earrings for the first time.

I fainted in my bedroom, the kitchen, dorm rooms, hallways, a hookah bar. The worst time, I was driving on a Sunday afternoon. I could feel it coming on as I approached the red light. My vision was blacking out. I became very frightened, alerted the person with me, and managed to pull over.

The last time was another flu, last winter. When I came to, my cat, Luna, was lying on my stomach. That time I didn't worry. They'd checked my brain back in 2009 (EEG, MRI) and determined that I am A-OK. Just sensitive. Just gotta manage stress and watch my blood sugar.

"Do you have any other advice... like, should I try to.... eat more blueberries, or something?" I asked the neurologist.

"No, everything looks normal," he said.

The common factor among my swooning spells is a sinister combination of high stress and low blood sugar. I know this, so I can advise myself. Carry snacks. Take deep breaths. Have a walk. Laugh, talk.

But last night I felt dizzy and weak, faint and nauseous (hence last night's message of health). But I followed my advice! I took a sick day today. Just rest. Rest it away.

I'm amazed, though, at combinations of mental/emotional strength and physically frailty. The heart rises in its own way. Sometime you don't need to lift it, it will just rise.

Rise to the occasion, rise to the challenge

--thrive--you're alive--
think positive--
rise--

before you know it, you're afloat again. the color back in your face, the air again easy, the heart steady

maybe the waves of these waters are nonsense--nonsensicalifornia you just float along nonsense waters--but maybe this flows from seas of strength

strength in nonsense? if this were so serious, would you come back? does the silliness temper anxiety attacks? does a little wordplay help you forget what you lack?

seas of strength lie within me
i know it; the oars know it
draw deep on the well
pour strength and share it

"Know your power," someone strong told me.

Find your strength. Declare it.